free

she looks at me when we all sit around the table
which is surprising because
she's the only one who ever has.
she
in fact
turns to me many times on purpose choosing me over the others for whatever morsel she has to share
it strikes me as funny but laughing is inappropriate so
i cover it up with a cough and a napkin swipe
like i'm in a sitcom.
ha.
she's laughing right now all about how she's wearing purple pants for the first time in her life and she dares anyone to say something about it.
no one says anything about it
not even anything nice, which i think is odd and probably a little rude since i'm sure she was fishing for support there
a little bit of encouragement.
i don't say anything either because i am mesmerized by her gold eyeshadow.
it might not be the first time she's worn gold eyeshadow, but it might just be the second or third time.
she doesn't have it quite right yet.
this is the first time i've ever met her so i wonder
has she always been like this?
or is this new?
and i have a strong impulse to ask her,
lady! how did you get so free?
it's a ridiculous question so i keep it trapped just under my tongue
while i watch her say the things we've all wanted to say for ages
but haven't
because we were scared to look like we didn't know what we were doing.